I once was dead, but NOW I LIVE!

I was raised in the church. Attended Sunday school, camps, youth groups regularly. Got baptized when I was 8 years old. About that same time my parents divorced. I didn't really think it affected me to the point it ended up revealing it did later on. One of my parents and I had some fall outs growing up...things that shook me to my core but I didn't handle them in a good or effective way, either! By the end of high school, I was a "recreational" drug user, marijauna...never really "addicted" but it helped surpress the pain. I dated a guy for about 5 years (thru some of high school and after) and we had a rocky relationship in those years. Needless to say, it finally ended. I started feeling like I was always messing something up. Like somehow everything I touched turned bad. I wanted to know why I "had" to feel this way. So, I started drinking regularly as well. Mostly social drinking but it quickly became something to mask the severe emptiness I felt inside. I stuffed everything down and smoked and/or drank it all to my head until I'd feel like it washed away. Until the next day when everything was back again and I would start the process over. I had several failed (obviously) suicide attempts during this time. I was dying rapidly! I got to the point I was drinking 5-6 nights a week, mostly at the bars. I started up an extremely promiscuous lifestyle but I was okay with it. I didn't have to "commit" and neither did they. I was able to "distance" myself so I "couldn't" get hurt. I started hanging out with people that were great friends for partying but none of us connected on any other level really. I did, however, have some very close friends from previous years that stood by me and gave everything to stay by my side. Unfortunately, I didn't "need" their help and I lost some wonderful friends along the way. Some I still have to this day! I had many family members praying for me during this time that NEVER turned their backs on me. When I thought things couldn't possibly get any "darker" or more "empty", I woke up one night, after heavy drug and alcohol use to one of my good friends "taking advantage of" me. I just laid there on my stomach, pretending to be asleep. Tears streamed down my face as he did what he had made very vocal he wanted to do to and with me in the past, but I had refused because of our friendship. I just let it happen. I didn't try to stop it. From this point on, I don't think I cared about anything anymore. I was the farthest down in the pit you can be. I was so sick of feeling worthless, empty; sick of hurting and feeling alone. I had seen things and done things that, to me, could only be described as "standing at the gates of hell". I finally cried out to Jesus to "SET ME FREE" and to help me! To take EVERYTHING away! That is when He reached into the jaws of death and pulled me out!
I am happy to report I now have a husband, two beautifully wonderful "miracle" daughters and my drug use ceased the day I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter. 6 months ago I quit smoking cigarettes. (I was up to a pack a day for the past 13 years.) I have mended several relationships, including the one with that "one parent" that I had so many "head butts" with. I would be lying to you if I told you that the hurt isn't still there, but instead of surpressing it in the wrong ways, I've given those burdens away. If I told you I was in a place where I can say I'm truly proud of where I am at in this moment, that wouldn't be completely true either. There are still days I struggle, but I just thank God for every day He has given and continues to give me. It is ONLY by His Grace that I am alive, sitting here writing this today. And it is ONLY by His Grace that I can face the battles that present themselves to me daily. I still struggle with many thoughts and feelings but today, I don't have to fight or face them alone. And that's a pretty amazing feeling! One I never thought I'd have. When I hear "And now my life song sings" by Casting Crowns, I have such a PEACE that comes over me, for "I once was dead, but NOW I LIVE"!!!!!!
A special thanks to West Side for giving all of us "Broken" and "Recycled" people an outlet!